Yesterday I went to relative's wedding. I'm still not sure exactly how we're related, but I had fun despite the vodka I unknowingly drank and the creepy wedding band. And as a challenge to myself, I will relate the entire experience in internal and external dialogue, as a way of seeing how well I can convey things through dialogue.
So without further ado, here is the wedding day, from the beginning.
"I am awake. Why am I awake? It's too early to be awake. I don't want to be awake...Crap! It's twelve, why am I not awake!"
"I don't care what time it is, I am going in the pool because it's hot and I need to cool down. Oh hi, dog, do you want to come in too? Look at us, we're floating along, floating along! Swimming underwater is fun!"
"Need warm shower, need warm shower, need warm shower."
"Did I eat yet? I didn't eat yet. I should eat something. Where is my bagel...the side of the bagel that has the least amount of flavoring is the part I will eat first so I can savor the flavor with the second piece. This ham tastes funny. I should probably not eat this."
"Why do so many people post while I'm asleep! I cannot think of a witty enough response for this post. I will come back later."
"The bathroom smells like toast. Why does the bathroom smell like toast?"
"If I had liquid eyeliner, doing this cateye style would be a lot easier. Ouch. Need new eye pencil."
"Are pearls too old for me? Do you think I should just stick with the gold chain? What do you mean you don't know? I need help! Why are you useless? And not dressed? Get dressed!"
"I'll bring water in the cooler. We have room for it, shut up."
"The tolls are too expensive."
"Watch out! Did you see that car? Did you see how close she got to you? This is why I hate driving in Manhattan."
"If I take a quick nap now, maybe no one will notice. Oh God, my neck, why do these roads have to be so bad?"
"It says to take the Southern or Northern Parkway. We need to buy a new TomTom."
"How much father until the Southern Parkway?"
"Where is the parkway?"
"Why can't we turn the radio on?"
"The Southern! Then we need to get on the Loop."
"Hey, isn't this where they found those bodies the serial killer hid? I would rather not die tonight. I hope he's not at the wedding. I really hope he's not at the wedding."
"There's the place! There's the place! Turn! Turn! Oh God, why are you stopping in the middle of the road!"
"Who are these people?"
"Congratulations. Only three more to go!"
"Why is there a man in a kilt? Why is he walking towards me? Tell me I'm not related to him. I'm related to him. Yes, I still play the piano. Why is he in a kilt? Did they seriously let him wear a kilt?"
"This lemonade is neon blue but taste delicious. What? It's vodka? Crap."
"Yes, it's all very nice, but can we please start the ceremony? I'm tired of admiring this beautiful white fence."
"I bet we could make off with this patio furniture in the truck. Help me put it in the back."
"I'm thirsty, but more vodka will lead to table dancing."
"Oh, we're walking! What? Oh, he went to get beer. He'll find us eventually."
"This is a sadistic wedding. Walking in sand in heels? Sadistic."
"I can't stop kneading the sand with my feet. It feels so good."
"Can't stand here, this is where they'll be walking. I know because there's a shell aisle right there."
"Is he playing a bagpipe? I can't believe they allowed this."
"Walking uphill in sand in heels is less fun than walking downhill in sand in heels."
"Tacos! I'm getting in line for a taco."
"Is that a butter angel? Why is that allowed to exist? It looks demonic."
"I can have a second taco. I only ate a bagel today. A second taco is totally within my right."
"Shouldn't have had the second taco."
"Too much seltzer water!"
"I hope the real dinner isn't too big. I'm stuffed."
"Oh look, they sat us all together. Great."
"Yes, I belong at this table, here's my card. Are you sure that's a seven and not a one? It's a seven. I have no idea why we're having this problem."
"Don't drink that yet! It's for the toasts!"
"Oh wow, those two are totally wasted already."
"I am convinced that the serial killer is part of the wedding band. Why else would they be wearing mucha lucha masks? The bassist looks like Michael Meyers with black hair. It is freaking me out."
"My stomach says no dinner, but my wallet says I better eat it."
"Who is touching me? I have to dance? I don't want to dance...I'm dancing. Why is this happening?"
"Why are we having a napkin fight? This is why they sat us together. So we don't embarrass the rest of the extended family. Who hit me with this? You are going down!"
"There are nuts in this carrot cake. I hate nuts."
"You're giving us a paddle boat? I have no idea what we'll use this for, but thank you anyway."
"Oh no, kilt man is walking this way and he's drunk. Yes, I will continue to play the piano. Yes, I will play for you some day again. You are scaring me."
"So tired, so tired, so tired."
"This tunnel sounds evil."
"No dogs, right now is not the time to be pet."
"Why won't this eyeliner come off?"
"So many posts to comment on!"
"The bedspread is popping off again. Damn it all."
Then I woke up today to four dogs whining at me at six in the morning to let them out. They wanted to play. I went back to sleep.
Also, if anyone knows how to help the victims of the Norway attacks or wants to do something special for them - like writing letters or sending something helpful - please let me know and we'll talk about it. Thank you.