Saturday, June 21, 2014

La Douleur Exquise

La douleur exquise is the exquisite pain
of wanting you
of seeing you
every day
and knowing each time
that your smile
and your eyes
and everything about you
belongs to someone else.

La douleur exquise is the beautiful torture
of hearing your voice
of seeing your text
of watching your fingers on your drink
and knowing each time
that you can never be mine.

There are days,
moments,
minutes where I think
that maybe this time,
this time maybe
maybe you will see me,
and every time
that moment fades,
that dream fails,
and you are gone
like smoke on the breeze.

La douleur exquise is waking at night
wrapped about a pillow,
dried tears on my cheeks,
because my heart dreamed of you
holding onto me.

Two years I’ve waited,
watched and hoped,
and many more I’ll linger
hoping the day will come
when you realize
that I’ve been here the entire time.

I thought la douleur exquise
was only for teenaged girls
dreaming of men in Hollywood movies,
but here I am
starving
panting
shivering
waiting
and you work two cubicles from mine.

It’s silly,
outrageous,
stupid,
naive,
to sit at my desk,
tense all over
when you walk by and say
“Good morning.”

And that one time we danced
and I shouted numbers
at your face,
how could you have known
especially when you fled
that my heart beat so loud
I thought you could hear it.

But the next day
she reminded me by mistake
that you belong to her
(she doesn’t belong to you)
by inviting me to your show.
And that right there
is la douleur exquise.

(I'm not great at poetry.)

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Hey Guys...I'm Alive

This is awkward for me, surprisingly.  It's been such a long time since I've been here.  I should explain my two plus-year absence.

In a single word, it was life.  Life got in the way, as it always seems to do, and I was swept up in it.  Quite a bit has changed since then.  A bad relationship ended (i.e., tossed out of the house in the middle of the night), I returned back home to live with my parents, I found a new job and have enjoyed moderate success there, and...I wrote a book.

Don't go rushing off to the bookstore or Amazon looking for Marlena Cassidy's best selling novel.  It's not published.  A few agents have seen it, but unsurprisingly (to me at least), I haven't received any responses.  But Marlena!  Agents need time!   It's been about five months.  I'm not expecting a response any time soon.

I'm not bitter or upset (much).  Honestly, it was a very eye-opening experience, and I'm definitely not done writing.  I've started on novel number two and am about 26,000 words into it.  I write at lunch mostly, and some on the weekends.  We'll see where this one goes.

My fingers are shaking a bit as I type.  It's been so very long, and I've missed all of you so much.  I had so many friends here, so many people who read this posts and were so supportive, and I pretty much abandoned all of you when the going got tough.  But I've thought about you all so much.  When people ask me if I'm part of a writer's club or if I've thought about joining one and I come up with some silly excuse (Brooklyn is so far away, why would I take the train all the way out to Brooklyn?), I've thought about this blog and felt very, very guilty.  And silly.  There was really no excuse for me to go.

Part of it was stress.  I was in the middle of taking classes, trying to find better work, and dealing with an unsupportive, emotionally abusive boyfriend (it's a miracle I can even admit to that now).  He was usually the first in line to say that I couldn't make a living writing, and that I was being immature and stupid about it.  And when the relationship went bad (surprise, surprise), and the insults started flying every day from the both of us, I ended up choosing to focus on my education and poured myself into that.  That meant giving this up.  I wasn't strong enough to focus on both.  And it didn't help that when I sat down to write posts, there was a voice from the other side of the room complaining about my sighing and grumbling and other frustrated noises.  You know those noises when the blog post won't come to you and you're fumbling to explain yourself.

That relationship is over now, thankfully.  I finally deleted him from my Skype contact list, which for me means that it is officially OVER.  Caps and all.

And I've missed you all.  I still get updates from certain blogs, and I still think about how much fun I had here, participating in contests, talking with other authors, talking with agents, complaining about how hard writing actually was.  I've missed you all so much.  So I came back.  I hope you'll have me again.

I have a lot of ideas for this blog.  I'll write a post detailing what I want to do (Short Story Sundays, anyone?) and already have some ideas for posts.  It's going to be fun I think.  It always was.

Long story short: I hit bottom, I've risen up, and now I'm back.  Let's get this party started.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

On Realizations

My mother has managed to rope me into watching the first Sex and the City movie, and watching it has made me realize something.  I'm not made for romance writing.  My style, and the way I work my characters isn't really the style the people look for in a romance.

That's not to say I'm going to give up on Kitty Malone.  Far from it.  I just need to reevaluate how I market it.  I don't think I can keep marketing it as a modern-day romance novel because it's really not.  Romance has a formula, and Kitty Malone doesn't follow it.  I don't introduce the hero and heroine in the first few chapters, I don't introduce the conflict, and I don't introduce conflict int he middle of the novel that drives them apart for a few chapters before they get back together.  I don't do drama very well either.  I do psychological turmoil well, and family insanity well (what does that say about me, I wonder), but not the clear-cut drama that Sex and the City and other romance novels do so well.  Relationship drama, especially like that of estranged marriages getting back together, loves of lives split apart by misunderstandings and then getting back together, I just don't do well.  I don't know why.  I've read a lot of romances, and I used to write them a lot back in my FanFiction days.  But when it comes to writing them for a large audience, I stumble and fall into pits.

Maisey Yates is one of my newest favorite romance novelists.  I read her novel The Inherited Bride and absolutely loved it.  Her mastery of the subtleties of relationships is amazing to read, and her characters are amazing in their complexities, their interactions, and their growing love for one another.  And her plots are exotic enough to whet fantasy without being too...trite or forced.  She's just an amazing author and hilariously funny.  I wish I had the talent to write romances like her, to write drama like she does.

But you know what?  It's quite all right.  Maybe I'm not meant to be romance novelist, and maybe it's not the way I'll get my name out in the writing world, but it's fun to write and I do enjoy it when I write it.  I have other projects that I'm working on, and maybe one of those will fit me better.  Maybe the WIP novel will propel me into the bestseller's list.  But it's not all about that.  It's about having fun writing and enjoying it (almost) every step of the way.  I enjoy writing Kitty Malone, and I will keep at it.  But I think it's time to let go of the notion that I'm a romance writer.  I'm something else.  Eventually I'll figure it out.

:)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays

I hope everyone is enjoying his/her Christmas Eve or your December 24th if you don't celebrate Christmas.  Over at the Cassidy household we've been noming on some lovely home-made cavatelli and broccoli with chicken and some home-made butter/sugar cookies, both courtesy of my wonderful mother.  Dad sat around and watched the Giants win against Jets (yes!), and I tried to write, gave up, and read some more of Before the Pyramids.  It's an interesting book that challenges a lot of the assumptions in the archaeological field but doesn't fall prey to blaming everything on ancient aliens.  I'll write more about it when I finish it.


Other is celebrating with his own family, but we've been texting each other all day, so it's not too bad.  We actually haven't spent any Christmases together since we've been in a relationship, but hopefully that will change soon.  We might even spend New Year's together!

Speaking of, hopefully I will have part 2 of Manhattan Christmas Lights up and running for all of you to enjoy.  And speaking of Kitty Malone, I have good news of a sort.  If you have a Kindle, and you are a Kindle Premium member, you can now borrow the Kitty Malone series for free.  Exciting, right?  I know I don't stand much of a change against the better promoted books in the Lending Library, but I can still promote Kitty Malone for free for five days while it's in the Library, and hopefully someone will borrow it and like it.  And as long as someone likes it, I'm happy.

My dog is staring at me with the tip of his tongue hanging out of his mouth.  I think he wants me to pet him now.  I think I will.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy Hanukkah everyone!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Excuses, Stories, and Christmas Freebies

Well hello everyone!  Remember me?  Nah, probably not.  Or if you do, you know me as that jerk who abandoned everyone for three months without warning.

In my defense - which is nothing more than an excuse, really - I had a rough three months.  A lot of things happened.  A lot of things didn't happen.  I can't decide which is worse.

It felt like I fell into a ditch, and no matter how hard I tried to scramble out of it, the edges kept crumbling and I would fall deeper into the mud.  After a while I gave up.  Why bother when there's nothing left I can do?

I let a lot of opportunities slide through my fingers because of my depression.  I was supposed to do a guest post at Michelle Fayard's blog yesterday, an author interview, but because I stopped checking my emails and stopped responding to the ones I did read, I lost the spot.  I didn't get the job I wanted because I didn't hand in my application.  I stopped writing because I hated everything I did.

I was functioning and I wasn't at the same time.  I didn't enjoy anything.  I went through the motions of living, but underneath that veneer, I was in pieces.  I would stay up late a lot of nights and play Pokemon (I'm a child at heart) on my DS until I passed out in my papasan chair.  Half the time I wouldn't even bother even getting into bed.  I slept in that poor papasan chair.  I sulked.

It was bad.  I needed change but couldn't be bothered to find it.

I'm not 100 percent right now either, but I wanted to try because I miss all of you and I miss writing and I miss writing this blog.  I miss reading all of your blog posts and commenting and finding out all about your writing and your lives and what's up with all of you.  I miss my friends.

So I have a present for you guys because I want to try and make up for disappearing and because I want to give you all a present since it's Christmas!

What is this present, you ask?  Well, it's simple.  Leave a comment here, and I will send you a PDF file of every Kitty Malone story I've written, including the newest one: Manhattan Christmas Lights, going up for sale tonight.

Sound good? (:

I'll post more soon!